Dear Apple – Voice to Text Sucks

Like a lot of us, my relationship with technology is tense. I am simultaneously addicted to it, but regularly fantasize about throwing my phone and laptop off a balcony. During the good times, I pass many an hour watching cat videos, perusing Etsy and news sites, looking at funny GIFs, and clicking on anything involving a wiener dog or mini horse. One of my very favorite things to do is read all the autocorrect fails posted online. These can make me laugh until tears stream down my face.

This is one of my all time favorites…

IFLHorses autocorrect change menstruating and masturbating

And then it happened to me.

I would like to introduce the new version of an autocorrect fail, the voice to text technology fail. Voice to text seems like a brilliant idea at first. You don’t even need to look at your phone, you just speak into it and the software takes care of the rest.

But take it from me, there are still a few kinks to be worked out.

May I present Exhibit A: a text to my farrier.

IFLHorses equestrian Autocorrect fail with the farrier


I said eventually. EVENTUALLY. Voice to text heard vaginally. My poor farrier, his corneas probably melted. I had even looked over the text to make sure it was correct. How on earth did I miss the word vaginally? You’d think that word would jump right off the page.

You’d also think I would have learned my lesson, when not even 10 minutes later, a student texted me.

Exhibit B

IFLHorses equestrian Autocorrect fail with student


Needless to say my student was somewhat alarmed.

Now I’m no tech genius, so I’m wondering – are the words vaginally and colonic used enough that the software chooses them over more common words like eventually and clinic? I thought the software recognized more frequently used words and stored them in its memory. This cannot be true, because I can say with utter certainty, I have never typed the words vaginally or colonic. Not ever. I can’t imagine the scenario where I would send the text, “Good morning, how was the colonic?” or “How are you? Is everything good with you vaginally?”

So Apple, what the hell is up with the software? Was it designed by some weird band of tech-savvy gynecologists sitting around their stirrup tables in Silicon Valley? I think I’m going to call customer service.

Right after I find a new farrier.




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